I rise with the dust cloud, when the radioactive particles crawl up my nose and pry their way under my eyelids. This is my alarm clock. I sneeze for 30 minutes each morning, The earth seeps inside me during night, and I atomize it every morning. I am a link between earth and sky.

In the mornings I teach English to pre-schoolers. I must be chipper. I am an ambassador. This morning the children were rough on me. Very rough. They began taunting me early, and my eyes darted around the room, desperate for help of any kind

It was not to come. The assistant they assigned me was sitting on her heels, rocking back and forth & smiling contentedly. Utterly Useless.

Several of the children were circling me, a few of them making quick leaps in my direction, which I easily fended off. But they had the staying power of youth, and I am so old. How long could I hold out?

I decided not to find out.

"Hordes of Beelzebub, sit thee down!!" I screamed, tearing off my shirt. "Do you want to meet BOB?"

At the mention of BOB the little ones grew quiet. A few of the smaller ones began weeping.

"You remember BOB, don't you?"

Of course, the children, not understanding English, heard my words as meaningless gibberish. But they understood the wrath of "BOB" only too well. I did a slow scan of the room, taking care to make eye contact with the beasts.

"Just get back into your little chairs, nice and slow, and everybody gets home tonight"

That seemed to scare them. That is, all except one. I had grown overconfident, turned my back on them. By the time I realised my mistake, it was too late.

She was a big one. five, maybe five and a half. 35 pounds of terror, coming at me like a bone crushing Juggernaut strait from the darkest pits of hell. This was a tyke out for blood, and I knew it would take more than the threat of "BOB" to stop her now. This time it was for real.

"Come and shake hands with "BOB!" I screamed, half out of my mind with adrenilin spawned terror.

She had a rolled up book in her hand, and was out for more than just a playful slap. I grappled with her for an eternity, while the rest of the class screamed "da pang ju lao shur, da pang ju lao shur" This had been their plan all along, the oldest of them engaging me while the rest tormented me mentally. A ruthless, cunning plan.

The unspeakably cute child was using every one of her 35 pounds to crush my bones into powder. I felt myself losing consciousness.

"BOB..." I gasped "Don't let it end this way..."

There was a sound -- gunfire, perhaps, or an explosion. Had the president called in an air strike on my behalf?

No, it was a bell. The death grip of the indescribably adorable five year old slackened and released, as she, along with the rest of her Satanic coven ran out of the room for "cookies".

Heaving a sigh of relief, I walked out. The Chinese assistant said something to me like "Oh, your Chinese is getting very good,"

But I didn't really hear her. I was already half way out of the room, dreaming about being halfway to the bottom of a bowl of trail mix made with cheap tranquilizers, betelnuts, and nicotine patches.

Images of J.R "BOB" Dobbs copyright of "Holy Mother Church"