God
Bless Us Oil, Every One
by
Joshua Samuel Brown
God
bless Dick Cheney for taking a stand against the twin evils of
environmentalism and conservation! God bless this selfless public
servant for laying out his bold new vision of an air-conditioned America
lit with 400 watt incandescent bulbs, 24 hours a day, from sea to
shining sea. Dick Cheney and his energy policy will save us from those
who would challenge the god-given right of every American to use as much
energy as possible. After all, the more energy we use, the faster we’ll
have to buy more from the energy company.
America
is a government "by the people, for the people," and, since January, the
energy companies have been the people in control of the government.
Therefore, when we give money to the energy companies, we’re really
giving it to ourselves.
Under
Mr. Cheney’s plan, we’ll all be able to use as much energy as we want,
because he’ll build thousands of new power plants all over the country.
I hope he builds one close to me, because I live in California.
A lot of
people are talking about the energy problem in California having been
caused by price gouging that occurred after the deregulation of the
energy industry. Some people have even gone so far as to say Mr. Cheney
and Mr. Bush are happy about California’s energy crisis, because it’s
allowing them to push their energy policy on America neutralizing a
potential Democratic challenger: California Governor Gray Davis.
Shame on
those cynical enough to question the good intentions of our commanders
in chief. And shame on anyone who would even think about trying to
connect our president with the El Paso Natural Gas Company or any of its
affiliates, who, for the past year, have been conspiring shamelessly to
corner the market on natural gas flowing into California, gouging every
man, woman and child in the state just to profit a few wealthy Texas
energy companies.
Just
because George W. Bush happens to be a well-connected Texas oil
man and the former governor of Texas there is absolutely no
reason to assume that he had any knowledge of dirty dealings
going on between several other energy companies from Texas.
Shame on
anyone who would even think such thoughts--they should all be sent to
Russia. Everyone knows that the energy problems in California are its
own fault, stemming from that state’s refusal to build nuclear power
plants, drill for oil on its coastline, and continued belief in the
antiquated notion of conservation, which, as President Cheney pointed
out, is a fad from the ‘70s, like eight-track tapes and rock operas. I
grew up in the ‘70s, and remember all too well the horror and
deprivation that conservation inflicted upon the country.
One
memory in particular still haunts me.
It was a
chilly autumn day, the sort we used to get back east before we wisely
decided to make the planet warmer. I was sitting at home watching
cartoons, when I suddenly felt a slight chill. Being wise beyond my
years, I got up and turned the thermostat up to 80, remembering how nice
it felt to be inside watching television on a hot summer’s day with the
air conditioner turned up full blast.
All was
well, until my father came home. He saw that I had turned the thermostat
up to 80, and so--filled with the pro-conservation propaganda of the
cardigan-wearing Jimmy Carter--he actually turned it down to a
bone-chilling 68. I will never forget the look in his eyes, nor his tone
of utter zealotry as he spoke these words: "Oh, for god’s sake, Josh.
Couldn’t you just put on a sweater?"
I tried
to explain to him that the energy being used to heat our home was
free--that it came from a pipe connected to the earth’s molten core and
was maintained by gnomes. (Being an imaginative child, that is what I
thought at the time. Of course, I now know that energy comes from a pipe
connected to inexhaustible pools of dinosaur remains owned by Dick
Cheney and his associates.)
But my
father wouldn’t listen to me. He turned the heat down to 68, and I was
forced to put on a sweater! To this day, I have still not forgiven him.
One day I will send him to a nursing home--one in Russia where he will
be forced to wear a sweater all year long.
I’d also
like to say god bless George W. Bush and his selfless pushing through of
his tax relief plan. With the price of gasoline expected to reach three
dollars per gallon, it’s good to know that my newfound tax money will
allow me to keep driving my SUV. If I get back twelve dollars a week,
that’s forty more miles I can drive every week.
Some
people say the president’s use of rising gas prices to push his tax plan
through was self serving because Mr. Bush and Mr. Cheney are both oil
men whose friends and associates will ultimately profit from any
increase in gas prices. These people are also wrong. They should all
move to Russia and be forced to wear itchy sweaters all year long.
This
month’s column is dedicated to Douglas Adams. So Long; Thanks for All
the Books; and See You at Milliways.
Joshua
Samuel Brown is a two-fisted satirist who has made his home in China,
Taiwan and Boulder, Colorado. He has written stories from the jungles of
Laos and hobnobbed with high-ranking communists in the underground
buffet bunker of the People's Daily in Beijing. Archives of his work can
be found at http://www.freespeech.org/jsb/eclips.html, and he can be reached at phibes@ficnet.net.
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