Oct 27, 2000: A flip-flop based on fear

Indecision 2000 is rapidly drawing to a close, and I'm getting nervous about the very real possibility of having another Bush in the Whitehouse. I have an unpleasant personal history with the Bush family, going back to 1988 when an indiscrete comment I'd made about the then-veep senior Bush netted me an early morning visit from the Secret Service. It was a traumatizing experience, being interrogated to determine whether I represented a real danger to the physical well being of George Bush, or if I was just a frustrated punk kid who didn't realize that threats of physical violence against government figures was not a right protected by the first amendment. Eventually, they decided that I was the latter - A punk. They gave me a do-nut, advised me to stick closer to church -oriented activities, and sent me on my way.

But the Bush clan didn't claw their way to the top of the dung heap of American politics without keeping close tabs on any and all potential adversaries. Despite his high minded (yet incomprehensibly worded) political posturing, in his heart, Dubya is a cheap, brutish frat boy who holds a grudge. Like most crafty thugs with half a brain, he knows that revenge is a dish best served cold, and will not let my youthful indiscretion towards his Pa go unanswered. Dubya's first act as president may well be to fly an air force chopper to my home and lob a few missiles through my window at the taxpayer's expense.

No, another Bush administration would be a paranoid nightmare for me. Thus, my readers will have to forgive me for making an eleventh hour flip-flop in endorsements. A few months ago, I wrote a column, advising my readers to vote for Nader. When I wrote that article, I was undergoing an experimental therapy designed to increase my brain functions. The therapy involved massive does of vitamin B, Chinese herbs, and the wearing of plastic cap studded with magnets designed to draw more oxygen rich blood into my frontal lobes. While this treatment increased the flow of seratonin to my brain, giving me slightly improved powers of concentration, it also left me with a giddy and unrealistic sense of optimism, leading me to believe that a decisive stand against the two party system could be made by voting for Nader. I have since discontinued the treatment, and am thus able to grit my teeth and make the following endorsement.

Vote for Al Gore.

There. I did it. That wasn't so bad, certainly no worse than having to promise to abstain from making future threats to government officials (a promise which I have so far managed to keep, at least on American soil). Of the candidates running, Nader is the one I'd most like to see win. I'd also like to see every SUV on the planet spontaneously launched into space, but that isn't going to happen either. The ugly reality is that this is a race between Bush and Gore. Both candidates are bought and paid for by big business, and both are cheap political hacks. Knowing that, in two weeks, I'll have to grit my teeth and vote for one, I decided to take a serious look at the differences between the two:

• Bush will attempt to overturn Roe v. Wade, Gore won't.
• Bush will rape Alaska for oil, Gore won't.
• Gore has acknowledged global warming. Bush thinks that global warming is just "a fancy metric system trick"
• Gore wants to put social security funds in "a lock box"; Bush wants to take the funds to Reno and "let 'em ride on 13 black".
• Gore is merely an effete brainiac. Bush, however, is dangerously stupid.

Yes folks, it's a fact. George Bush is not the sharpest tool in the shed, not by a long shot. One of Bush's themes these past few months has been how he is a good manager, able to make the decisions that need to be made to ensure long term success. His "accomplishments" (or lack thereof) in the state of Texas have been mentioned time and time again in the media (#1 in executions, #50 in environmental protection, #50 in health care).

So forget politics. Lets Talk Baseball.

As the owner of the Texas Rangers, Bush displayed an almost uncanny lack of foresight. Following whatever dim witted impulse he has that passed for instinct, he traded away Sammy Sosa to the White Sox. Sosa, you might recall, went on to hit 66 home runs with the Cubs in the 98 seasons, and is as of this writing the home run leader of this season. Bush also defied all logic by firing team Manger Bobby Valentine. Valentine is currently managing the NY Mets in the World Series. The rangers currently suck.

George W. Bush didn't care, though, and why should he have? He sold the floundering team through some questionable deals for a hefty profit. He then set out to for Texas what he'd done for the rangers - gut it, skin it, and sell the corpse it to the highest bidder. And that, my friends, is what he will do for the country if he gets elected.

After, of course, he hunts me down for threatening his old man way back in 1988. So, it is with the utmost sense of self-preservation that I pull a Clintononian flip-flop, grit my teeth and humbly ask my readers in this very-swing state of Colorado to do the following:

Vote for Al Gore - the lesser of two evils. I only hope I can keep up the gritting until November.

Joshua Samuel Brown is a freelance writer currently staying within sprinting distance of the Canadian border.

copyright 2000 Joshua Samuel Brown

comments? Email me at "josambro at josambro dot com"
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