October 11, 2000: American Foriegn Policy ~ Beating A Sack Full of Cats

While Americans have been sitting enthralled in front of the tube listening to the pundits discuss issues like Will Al Gore’s sighing cost him the anti-sighing vote? and how many different ways can George W. pronounce "Kostunica", people in other countries have been contending with somewhat more pressing issues (or real problems). In Yugoslavia (which, as Al Gore so pedantically pointed out in the first debate, is composed of two states, Serbia and Transylvania), an old fashioned uprising of the people took place, and Slobodan Milosovec (Currently topping the US bad guys list) was deposed.

Both Candidates agreed that this was good, because even though they weren’t so sure how cozy the new Serbian president would be with America (making him potentially bad,) he was democratically elected, and therefore "good". Parties backing Kostunica and Milosovec are currently involved in a massive power struggle, and the possibility that the winning candidate will have to kill the losing candidate to keep them from any further challenges is very real. This is in sharp contrast to our system, in which the losing candidate gets to go on Letterman.

Meanwhile, in the so you think you’ve got problems department, Israel and the Palestinian territories erupted in violence because the right wing Ariel Sharon decided to hold a prayer session with a battalion of troops at a disputed holy site. Muslims call this site Haram as-Sharif, and Jews call it The Temple Mount, and both groups feel strongly that god has given them exclusive rights to it. (God was unavailable for comment. Spokesangels for God describe the deity as pissed ) Both candidates spoke about what they would do to solve the problem, which was a good move precisely because the Arab / Israel conflict is one area in which even the most idealistic voter knows that no president can do anything.

In fact, most of American foreign policy is, at best an exercise in posturing and futility. At worst it’s a case of throwing gasoline on a brush fire. There are at any given time scores of conflicts, disasters and conflagrations going on around the globe. The American government’s standard foreign policy maneuver usually involves sending guns to the afflicted area. If the problem doesn’t go away, they send more and better guns. If it’s a really big problem, one involving oil (or if there’s an election coming up,) they send in the really big weapons, the ones that only Americans are qualified to operate. American soldiers are sent in, public sentiment is whipped into a frenzy, and lots of people and things get blown up. This is called a humanitarian gesture.

Unfortunately, American foreign policy, with its ever changing list of allies and enemies, is about as easy to follow as a drunken soccer brawl. Sometimes, the wrong things get blown up, and people in other countries get pissed. When this happens, many Americans travelling overseas suddenly find themselves unpopular guests. At this point, the wise US passport holder slaps a maple leaf patch on their backpack and becomes Canadian.

Last Summer I had the bad fortune to find myself crossing over the short bridge that leads from the New Territories of Hong Kong (Special Administrative Region of China) into Shenzhen, a few days after the NATO bombing of the Chinese embassy in Belgrade. It was a border I’d crossed many times before, but this time it was different. The taxi drivers were still there hawking rides, as were the pimps offering a special kind of welcome for the foreign guest. But the feeling of Chinese eyes looking me over with curiosity, often present in China, had subtlety changed. When I turned around to smile at the hawkers on Zhongying Street, the eyes that gazed back were not curious. They were pissed.

Suddenly, two Shenzhenese thugs stepped in my path and whistled "phweeeeeeeeeeeeew….BOOM! Meigouren! (American)"

They were looking me up and down, and clearly had ill intentions. I ransacked my lobes trying to recall a particular word in Chinese I thought I’d never need, and found it.

"Wo cong Bingdao lai"

Which is Mandarin for I'm from Iceland. It was the most neutral country I could think of. They looked perplexed for a second, then apologized and moved aside. It was a good day to lie.

Later on in that trip, I found myself getting into some fairly heated discussions on the subject of American foreign policy. After answering the obvious question du jour (Why did the American military bomb the Chinese embassy?) with what, at the time seemed the most likely answer (They were drunk), I was able to listen to the opinions of a host of other concerns from my Chinese friends.

We can’t understand your country. Why is America still bombing Iraq? Why protect Kosovo people but not Palestinian people? Your country says you want democracy, but we learn that your CIA overthrows democracies in South America and helps dictators. It seems like first, you are friends with a country, then you become enemies, then you are friends again. And what’s the deal with Cuba?

While I’m not an expert on US Foreign policy, I tried my best to explain the philosophy behind it to my hosts.

Imagine that Uncle Sam is...um...a cat farmer. Now this farmer has a lot of cats to take care of, and sometimes the cats fight. Sometimes, Uncle Sam picks up one of the cats and strokes it until they forget what it was that it was fighting about. This is called "diplomacy". But sometimes the cats still want to fight. When that happens, the cat farmer takes all of the cats he can catch, puts them in a great big sack, and beats the sack with a stick. This is called "containment.

My friends looked perplexed, and rightly so. My attempts to explain American foreign policy had confused them, and rather than lose face they changed the subject. Therein you will find the secret of American Foreign policy – keep ‘em guessing! I’m sure that Sun Tzu would have approved.

Joshua Samuel Brown is a freelance humorist who has never even been to Iceland. He can be reached at phibes@ficnet.net

copyright 2000 Joshua Samuel Brown

comments? Email me at "josambro at josambro dot com"
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