November 16, 2000: Guilty! Guilty! Guilty

"Circumstantial evidence is a very tricky thing"
Sherlock Holmes, The Boscombe Valley Mystery

Congrats, George! When the smoke clears in Florida, you’ll probably be our president for the next four years. How did you do it, George? Was it a Ragged Dick-like tale of pluck and luck, the underdog winning out against all odds against the forces of entrenched Washington elitists? You paid good money to get middle America to swallow that spin job, the least we could do is sniff it, right? Maybe it’s just that people like your idea of bringing dignity back into the oval office. They’ll be no under the desk fellatio while you’re on the job, George. According to your packaging, you’ve been sober and dignified since 1986.

Their might have been the occasional – what do they call them in AA – "relapses"? You were certainly acting pretty loaded at that wedding party in 1992, and that glass in you hand was either bourbon or iced tea. But I’m biased, and am in no position to judge. The party tapes are archived at http://www.thesmokinggun.com, why not have a look for yourself? "Only in America is right", George.

You brought those fine ideas and more to the table, and you were playing against an opponent who, while far more experienced and qualified than you’ll ever hope to be, was hobbled by his own fatal hubris. It might just be seen as a high stakes retelling of the Tortoise and the Hare, George, but that’s just a children’s story, something for the rubes. The Geeks and Carnies all know that you had something else up your sleeve.

Two words, George: Electoral Fraud.

I’ve had acquaintances in low places, George, grifters and other career charlatan types. I’m sure that their hats are off to you. You’re pulling the big scam, and doing it in plain view. No dark alley shiv jobs for you, George, you and your crew have done the job in broad Florida daylight. You’re none too bright, George, but you never claimed to be. You enlisted the aid of your betters, and they won’t be silly enough to leave any smoking guns lying around. 19,000 Disqualified ballots from Palm beach? Legitimately disqualified, as per Florida law. Brother Jeb made sure that the T’s were crossed and the I’s were dotted. Complaints that voters in predominantly democratic minority areas in Jeb’s state were denied the right to vote because "the polls had closed early," "We’ve run out of ballots," or just "we don’t much like your looks?" The truth will come out, but not until the oval office toilet seat has become used to the shape of your buttocks.

And of course, we cant forget the strange outpouring of support for Patrick Buchanan that came from the Jewish community. Imagine that -- Tricking elderly, staunchly democratic Jews, holocaust survivors among them, into casting their votes for a man who has openly praised Adolph Hitler. How utterly brilliant, how completely immoral. You’ve chosen your allies well, George. And to think, we called you stupid. You’re not stupid, I realize that now. If I believed in an antichrist, I’d suspect you were him. You have at least one thing in common with him: A lot of Christians believe in you, too. But we don’t want to go there…

No George, you’ve done well. You’ve taken the AA slogan "Half measures avail us nothing" to heart. The full on fraud committed in your name in the state of Florida proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are no half-stepper. You’re well on your way to stealing the most powerful job in the world – the presidency, and all of its trappings. The power, the prestige, the nuclear football. There’s a chilling thought, George. You could destroy the world. All at once, I mean.

There isn’t any "proof" that your people are behind the electoral "irregularities" in Florida. Was it Reagan who once said that facts were stupid things? Maybe, but the facts we have to go on, stupid though they may be, are:

• Your election hinges totally on the Florida tally.
• Your lead in that state has shrunk to 300 votes (down from 1900 on election night) under scrutiny.
• Complaints of having been denied legal access to the polls are coming in from all corners of the state of Florida
• 19,000 ballots, a majority of which were votes for your opponent, were disqualified.
• Your Brother is the Governor of Florida.
• Florida’s Secretary of State, Katherine Harris, is both the final arbitrator for the state voting count and an unabashed supporter of yours. "I am thrilled and honored to announce my support of George W. Bush for the presidency," she said, as quoted in a "Bush for President" press release.

Are we waiting for the Scooby Doo gang to come to Florida and crack this case? Shaggy could trip over a crate filled with tossed democratic ballots.

"Zoinks!" He’d say,
"So Al Gore really won the election. The Bushes really did rig the vote!"

You’d say something like
"And we would have gotten away with it too, if not for you meddling kids!" As you and your whole criminal family got hauled off in chains.
I know, George, it’s a bit of an immature fantasy. But I wanted to end with a cultural reference that wouldn’t go over your head.

Congratulations for beating the odds, George, and for proving the pundits wrong.

You made sure that the lesser evil didn’t win this one.

comments? Email me at "josambro at josambro dot com"
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