Halloween day, 2001, moments before deadline. The leaves are a-falling, the frost is on the pumpkin, and sore throats and stuffy noses can mean only one thing:

Anthrax!

 

We’re all dying of it now at the Bullhorn, along with everyone else in America. Soon we’ll all be dead. So why am I even bothering to write this? Because our hard-ass bastard of a publisher insisted that we finish the November issue. I quote his last words, spoken just moments ago:

 “Someone’s bound to survive —HACH— and when they see all the newspapers stacked up—P-TOEY—neatly, it’ll really creep them out… Do it for the —COUGH—survivors.” 

 Then he hacked up a bloody lung and died like a professional.

 So this one's for you, Oh lucky one. The awesome weight of filling you in on the details of the plague now fall on me: The end of the world. As seen on TV.  I’ll try not to fuck it up.

 After the terrorist attack of 9/11/01, America went into intense shock, followed by deep mourning, then a kind of mélange of sadness and anger, and finally more, but angrier, shock.  The scandal of California Congressman Gary Condit and his missing intern-cum-love-slave, which had inundated the airwaves before 9/11, was completely forgotten. 

On October 8, the long awaited bombing of Afghanistan began. The military was easily able to make good on its threat to “bomb Afghanistan back into the stone age” when a $500,000 cruise missile was used to destroy the country’s last working radio. Still, the Taliban refused to surrender Osama bin Laden released a video in which he swore again that he had nothing to do with the terrorist attacks and, furthermore, denied involvement in any future attacks that he was planning. At the request of the American government, the networks edited out the musical portion of the video, in which bin Laden pretended to strum his Kalishnikov while lip-synching “American Woman.”

Then, things began to get really strange, as indicated by my switching from casual prose to the more journalistic bullet-point style:

• 10/12 — Terror strikes again when American Media Inc., publisher of supermarket tabloids such as The National Enquirer and The Weekly World News, becomes the target of unknown anthrax mailers.  Suspicion falls on those with motive to silence AMI. Nationwide hunt for Bigfoot and Elvis launched. Batboy detained for questioning. 

• 10/15 — Citing national security, Vice President Dick Cheney enters Witness Protection Program. Moved to top-secret location in Midwest. Continues to carry out vice-presidential duties disguised as Wal-Mart greeter.

• 10/17 — Unwilling to be intimidated by anthrax scare, Weekly World News runs headline: "Bigfoot Kept Lumberjack as Love Slave." Search for Bigfoot intensifies. National Enquirer declares "world exclusive” on self.

• 10/18 — U.S. House of Representatives evacuated after traces of “mysterious white powder” found in mailroom. Congress passes bill authorizing $50 billion for immediate construction of brand new Lunar Capitol, complete with debate chambers, offices and apartments for congressional mistresses.

• 10/20 — Claiming to be an “expert” in bioterrorism, Gary Condit slips past Larry King’s phone screeners, manages to admit involvement in the Chandra Levy disappearance, mentions having “intimate pictures” before being cut off. 

• 10/21 — Government enacts new War Powers Act clause, requiring all television programs to be tied in some way to either bioterrorism or the war effort. Jerry Springer’s “Anthrax Sluts and Their Mujihidin Lovers” draws high ratings.

• 10/22 — Despondent over not being targeted by Anthrax terrorists, Conan O’Brien offers to open up other celebrities’ mail with his teeth. 

• 10/23 — Larry King caught sneaking into Afghanistan. Attempts to obtain exclusive bin Laden interview fail when Taliban border guards notice Afghan woman wearing bright red suspenders over burqa.

• 10/25 — Taliban on verge of surrender following intensified American bombing. In bizarre bid to escape justice, Osama bin Laden releases video announcing conversion to Catholicism.

• 10/26 — With all other areas of conversation exhausted, Dan Rather books heavy metal band Anthrax for full hour. Band’s entrance delayed by 45 minutes after random search of band’s entourage turns up several packets of  “mysterious white powder.” 

• 10/27 — A disheveled Gary Condit breaks onto the set of “Nightline.” Shows pictures of himself engaged in satanic sexual rituals with missing intern. Condit subdued by security guards. Network declines to press charges. Incident edited out.

• 10/28 — Americans are shocked to learn that anthrax panic is no hoax when public begins coming down with disease en-mass. Source of infection revealed to have been tainted Publisher’s Clearing House detergent samples distributed throughout the country.  Former “Tonight Show” sidekick Ed McMahon confesses to spreading anthrax “to get even with nation that forced me into retirement.”    

• 10/29 — A clean-shaven Osama bin Laden manages to flee Afghanistan, takes commercial plane from Teheran to Rome to beseech Pope for sanctuary only to be arrested on unrelated drug charges by Italian customs agents. Claims that heroin-filled condom pulled from colon was “for personal use only.”   

• 10/30 — The end draws near as the U.S. population is decimated by anthrax.  CNN’s audience share, as a percentage of the total population, has never been higher. Price for one minute of advertising higher than entire 2001 Gross Domestic Product.  Osama bin Laden chokes to death on vomit during agonizing jailhouse heroin withdrawal. Source of vomit not verified.

Which brings us to today.  The latest CNN/Gallop poll indicates that 86 percent of the American population are either dying of anthrax or watching CNN, so the end can’t be far behind. Whoever you are, lucky survivor, you should be proud to know that, though America may have been wiped out by a horrible plague, we went down doing the two things that made our nation great: kicking ass and watching television.

 

If you were planning to write Bullhorn satirist Joshua Samuel Brown at phibes@ficnet.net in order to engage him in rousing debate over known facts or actual events, don’t bother.