Josambro.com
in conjunction with
Politics and Other Dirty Words
presents
"Priv'leged George"
Or
"Plunder, Luck and Creative Accounting"
With Apologies to Horatio Alger, Jr.
My young readers are familiar with the story of Ragged Dick, the raffish boot-black who, by pluck and luck, rose to become first a gentle-man and then a respected captain of industry. Sit with me now and hear the less well-known story of Priv'leged George, the dimwitted but plucky ne'er-do-well who rose to dizzying heights of success through privilege, plunder and creative accounting.
Chapter One: In Which Priv'leged George Meets a Crafty FriendPriv'leged George was at his wits end - a very short distance indeed - being at the helm of a company called "Spectrum 7," which was failing due to careless business practices. "Oh dear," said George "How ever will I get the money to achieve my dream of owning a major league baseball team?"
Just then, George happened upon a friend and fellow youth of privilege, Crafty Ken.
"Hello Priv'leged George. My, but you are the glum looking fellow to-day. What ever is wrong?"
"Oh hello Crafty Ken. I am ever so down to-day, having yet again run through a tremendous sum of someone else's money without a-thing to show for my troubles."
"That is a pity, George. But cheer up! For lads as privileged and crafty as ourselves, there will always be more money about. Take myself, for example. I am now the CEO of a very profitable company called Enron. With our partners, Chewco and Jedi, my company stands to become the richest in all the world!"
"Chewco and Jedi?" Exclaimed Priv'leged George "Such fanciful names! But what do these companies produce?"
"Nothing at all!" exclaimed Crafty Ken "But they are worth billions of dollars!"
Priv'leged George scratched his head, for he was not as crafty as Ken. However, he was certain that with his pluck, luck and family connections, he could succeed just as surely as his friend had.
"Would you teach me how I might succeed as you have, Crafty Ken?" He asked.
"Of course, George, of course. Perhaps you'll come to my aid one day, should I ever run into a tight spot."
"Yes, of course." Agreed George
"Splendid!" Ejaculated Crafty Ken. "Now listen closely..."
Crafty Ken proceeded to teach Priv'leged George all that he knew about the secret art of creative accounting. He told George about how a company with no assets could simply "invent" another company, and that this second "make believe" company could then make deals with the first company to make it look like both were engaged in gainful business.
"I say, Ken, all of this 'rithmetic is giving me the most awful head-ache! Couldn't I just use my privilege and have a successful company buy my failing concern and make me a CEO? After all, my father is the vice-president of the United States."
"A capital idea!" his friend replied. "Now you're thinking, Priv'leged George!"
Chapter Two: In Which Our Hero Achieves his GoalSeveral years passed, during which our hero diligently used his privileged position to become a CEO at Harken Oil, the company which had bought his own failing oil exploration concern in exchange for a generous stock package. But Harken was about to fall rough times, and when these hardships became public knowledge, George's stake would become worth even less.
"How ever will I repay the loan I took out to purchase my baseball team?" Lamented Priv'leged George.
Just then, Our Hero remembered what his friend Crafty Ken had taught him about creative accounting.
"I know!" ejaculated Priv'leged George "I shall sell my position in Harken before word gets to the public of the company's financial hardship!"
But our hero needed to sell over 200,000 shares, and such a large sale by an insider would not only cause the price of the stock to suffer, but (being illegal) would also arouse the suspicions of the Securities and Exchange Commission. He thought for the longest time, but could not come up with a solution. Just then, he remembered that his father was now the President of the United States.
"I shall find someone who wishes to curry favor with my powerful father and convince them that they can do so by buying my shares of Harken Oil. And since my father is now President, the SEC will be no bother at all!"
A mysterious buyer was found, who gladly purchased Priv'leged George's shares for four dollars a-piece. Soon, our hero was watching his very own baseball team play each day while the company he once ran fell into financial ruin. When Crafty Ken found out what his friend had done, he was very proud indeed.
"You certainly have taken my lessons to heart, Priv'leged George. Why, with your family connections and some creative accounting, you might one day rise to become president of this very republic!"
"Perhaps I shall!" laughed Priv'leged George. "Perhaps I shall!"
...But that, gentle readers, is a tale for another day.
JSB would like to thank Horatio Alger, wherever he is