Sep 20, 2000: Puzzling Evidence!

Authors note: Every journalist is on the lookout for that big scoop that will propel them into stardom. Dear readers, this may well be mine. Yesterday I came home to find a letter in my email box with a large audio file attached. The email read as follows:

"I can’t bear the shame anymore. But I needed the money. My kid needs braces. It’s all on tape, and I want you to blow this story wide open. I would have sent it to Dave Barry, but he doesn’t publish his email address."

The note was signed simply "a friend"

After scanning the file for viruses, I listened to it. Dear readers, I transcribe it in its entirety, asking only that you make your own judgment.

-- Begin transcript –

(footsteps)

First voice -- The governor’s taken a real beating in the polls lately, and those…recent mistakes of his aren’t helping. We need you to play Gore in a mock debate. Don’t worry. We’ve got some notes prepared, mostly from old Gore stump speeches. We just want you to, you know, play him in a non-threatening way, so that the governor can develop more confidence before the actual debate.

Voice 2 -- …Um, Let me get this straight. You hired me to help give the guy confidence?

(This voice is strangely familiar, but I can’t quite place it)

First voice -- Stay here, I want this to surprise the governor.

(door opening) George! Great news! We got an actual Hollywood celebrity whose um…volunteered to be your debating partner for the mocks.

(The next voice is one I recognized instantly as Governor George "Dubya" Bush)

Dubya – Great, great. Is it Richard Gere? loved him in "Red Corner"…

First voice – No, we couldn’t get Gere, he’s um, well, he’s a democrat.

Dubya – Major league lefty. So, who did you get? Alec Baldwin?

First voice – No, ahh… Baldwin actually stated publicly that he’d leave the country if you won. No, we’ve got Better! Big name star, real talent!

Dubya – Well, don’t keep me in suspension. Who’s the star?

First voice – Bobcat Goldthwait!

Dubya – Goldthwait!? That asshole from Hollywood Squares!?

Goldthwait – HEY!

Dubya – Oh I, um…hey, big talent (nervous cough, footsteps) Love the work, big fan, loved the police movies, big supporter of law enforcement…

(30 seconds of nervous silence, punctuated by several throat-clearings)

First voice – OK, lets get to work. Now Bobcat, all you need to do is play Al Gore. Just read from the cue cards. You can add lib a bit, but try to stick to the cards and…

Bobcat – Can I play Pat Buchannan instead? Listen…

(begins singing "Deutchland Uber Alles)

First voice -- Just stick to the agreement. George, you just relax, don’t get nervous. Ok, now I’ll be the moderator.

Dubya – Whose moderating this debate?

First voice – Oh, I don’t know, how about…Sam Donaldson?

Dubya – Donaldson? Major league asshole.

First voice – Governor! IX-NAY on the URSING-CAY!

Dubya – Sorry. Okie-dokey, I’m ready.

First voice – Hello, I’m Sam Donaldson, and welcome to the first in a series of three presidential debates. Our first question is for vice president Gore. Mr. Vice President.

Bobcat – Hi! Thank you very much! It’s great to be here, you’re a wonderful audience! Thank you very much.

First voice —Just read from the cards! First question: What is your position on keeping the economy strong?

Bobcat – Sorry…(reading) Good evening, Sam. My position on this issue is that we need to have…more government regulation and higher taxes. (pause) Are you sure that Gore would really say this?

First voice – Times up! Governor Bush?

Dubya – My opponent’s comments shows that he is out of touch with the middle class. I am a reformer with results, a compassionate conservative, and plain folks just like you all.

(Sound of canned applause)

Bobcat – Can I have a soda?

First voice – Ready for a harder one, governor?

Dubya – Can-do! This is great, I feel more confidential already. I’m gonna tear this Gore punk a new a-hole, yes siree bob.

First voice – IX-Nay on the Cursing, Governor! Don’t go negative.

Dubya – Now now, Just a comment between a man and his…higher power.

First voice -- Lets get on with it.

Bobcat – I need a Tab! I was promised full beverage service!

First voice – (muffled) Someone get him a soda! (louder) OK, Next question. Vice President Gore: You have long been considered a champion of the environmental cause. How can you justify your current holdings in corporations that manufacture genetically modified foods, drill for oil in sacred native lands, and have the very same business practices that you condemned in your book "Earth in the Balance"?

Bobcat – Thank you very much! Ummmmm…When I wrote that book, I was smoking marijuana with…Tipper. I want gas to be…nine dollars a gallon…smoking marijuana with Tipper and, um…(Pause) I really don’t think Al Gore would actually say this.

First voice – Times UP! Governor Bush!

Dubya – (Confidently) My opponent’s comments shows that he is out of touch with the middle class. I am a reformer with results, a compassionate conservative, and plain folks just like y’all!

(Extremely loud canned applause)

Bobcat – This is the suckiest gig I’ve ever had. (gulping sounds) Uh-Oh!

(At this point, there is a loud hissing, and the audio starts breaking up)

First voice -- …What the hell? He’s wearing a wire! You bastard, We had a deal!

Bobcat – Can I have my money now?

Dubya – You bastard, I’ll tear you apart, I’ll…

-- feed ends in static --

-- Joshua Samuel Brown is a freelance writer, last seen heading east in a black sedan with government plates. He may or may not still be contacted at phibes@ficnet.net